fast day.....

today went fast.
i didn't go to the celebration of life tonight for linda.
i don't like to go to those.
i don't know if it is a phobia, or if i just don't like to be around all that sadness.
i know it was not a "funeral", it was a celebration.
but i still couldn't go.
i went to the gathering for norma when she passed.
not sure why i was able to go to that.
because it was at their house?
it was norma, and maybe she meant more to me?
because robert was going and a lot of other people i knew?
i don't know.
i cried.
i held it back a lot.
but them couldn't anymore.
i know i am typically a big freaking baby.
i cry so easy.
but around a lot of people like that, i don't want to.
and it makes me feel ill to hold it in.
i get a pounding headache, and it messes with my stomach.
kinda like how i felt last wednesday when we found out that linda had passed.
i held it and held it, but at one point the tears just quietly came.
and the meeting was going on....right there where i sit.
so i held it in and held it in.
and had the worst headache the rest of the day.
i don't think i can handle death very well.
who can?