Ugh......
I really am going to have to try hard to get through today without crying. It has now been 11 years since my brother Rick was killed. 11 years. That is so hard for me to comprehend. It still seems like yesterday. What makes it even harder this year is that it falls on Martin Luther King Day. Rick was killed on this Holiday. This is the first time since his death that the dates have come together. It's odd to me that it took 11 years for MLK Day to fall on the 19th. At least this time I will not have to think about it twice in a week. I always have a hard time getting through the Holiday, and then have to get through the 19th too. Actually the whole month of January is always hard on me. I had been doing better this year until last week when I realized that MLK Day was falling on the 19th. I said something to Robert last night and he said he knew. He gave me a look that melted my heart a little. He knew it would be hard for me today. He drives me nuts sometimes, but I love him.
I wonder if the hurt will ever go away. I don't think it will. I just don't see how my mother can do it. I think I would have curled up and died. Or I would be in a mental ward somewhere. She said once that she has four other children to be strong for. Breaks my heart that she feels that way. But as a mother you do what you have to do. I think she must grieve in private. Just before the 10th Anniversary last year, I was with mom and my sister Terri. We were driving and something was said about Rick being gone now almost 10 years. Mom was shocked. She did not think it had been that long. She thought it had only been about 5 years. We had to explain to her that it had been almost 10. It makes me wonder if to her it still just happened. I wonder if she has the same problems at night that I do? Does she hear someone knocking on her door in the middle of night, like I hear someone ringing the doorbell? Does she still remember the clothes that she had on when she went to the hospital to say goodbye, the same as I remember the clothes I was wearing when I went to my sisters Debbie's to tell her that Rick had been shot? Does she remember it all as vividly as I do? I really hope not. It breaks my heart to think that my mother could still be in so much pain. I don't want her to forget him, but I would feel better knowing that she forgets the circumstances. Is that selfish of me? I don't want to hurt for mom, so I hope that she does not remember it all? It's all so confusing. The pain that I feel....is it pain really? It's this empty feeling in my chest. This feeling in my head of confusion and not wanting to think. This feeling in my face and my jaw. Like a tightness that won't go away. I feel like I am always on the brink of tears, but I hold them back. Having to shake my head just to compose myself. Does my mother feel like this every day? I don't want to think that. I could not get through an afternoon with her if I knew that she felt like this every day.
It would break my heart into a million pieces......
6 comments:
Oh Barbara I'm so very sorry. My Grandfather will be dead 10 years on the 26th, then my cousin Victor was dead 15 years on the 16th of January. It goes by fast. But I understand about your mother. I was very close to my Aunt Dolores she had 5 children, she lost her first son at the age of 22 on
May 5, 1975, the next day my Grandmother took her life. That was a hard year I was only 9. Then on January 16, 1994 my Aunts other son died at 38. She lost 2 sons, and I agree like you HOW DO THEY SURVIVE after loosing children??? I'm like you I would end up in a home, they must be very strong women. My Grandmother also lost her 1st daughter at the age of 24 because of her liver. My Grandmother took it HARD, she went to bed for a long time, and tried to commit suicide 3 times, well she did succeed on May 6, 1975. My cousins Richard & Victor were like my brothers we all lived together with my Grandparents. It is a hard day to get thru. But its weird how things work out, because after my Grandmother lost her daughter and went thru her turmoil my mother became pregnant with me a year later, my mother was not married, and my father went back to Pennsylvania so my Grandmother had me to take care of she didn't try to commit sucide for 9 years after 3 attempts. Then after my Aunts 2nd son Victor died I got pregnant with Anthony that year in 1994 after not being able to conceive a child since 1986 he was born May of 1995 and she babysat for me since he was 4 weeks old and that seemed to really help her alot with her pain. So I think Anthony was here for her and HE LOVED my AUNT he took it hard when she passed away in April of 2001. He still has a picture of her and him when he was 8 months old in his room, and he remembers everything about her, how she use to make him eggs, pancakes and french toast for breakfast. He had a very special bond with my Aunt, and she was also my Godmother. I miss her a lot.
So Barbara, your Mother is a STRONG WOMAN, I'm sure she gets sad at times, but she has the rest of her children, and her grandchildren, is she a great-grandmother yet???? I will say an extra prayer for your family today.
I see Sandra put her picture up as a follower to your blog. I'm gonna work on more people to come here.
Thanks Barbara for making a comfortable place to express your feelings!!!!!
Sandra if your reading please post, this is a very nice place and comfortable place to express yourself, and everyone is very welcoming!!!!!!
Love,
Renee Eve xoxoxoxoxoxoox
Hi RE.
Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your own sad times with us.
I think it helps to get it out....sometimes....
A big WELCOME to Sandra! If you stop by today, I apologize for the sad blog. It is not always like this. Go back through some of the old ones!
On an up note....I just signed up to take a craft class with 2 friends. It's on Valentine's Day. But as I told Beth last night in front of Robert, it gives the boys a chance to set up something special for all of us girls for that night!
Thanks for letting get the blog out this morning.....
Barb,
I read this on facebook but didn't want to leave a comment there. I figured you would have written about this over here too.
I'm so sorry for your pain. I feel for your entire family.
I know we've talked about this before....how I had a brother, named Rick, who was killed 16 years ago. My dad has NEVER gotten over it, but NEVER talks about it either. Before his recent heart surgery, he broke down to a nurse and told her all about Rick. The nurse later told us, and it broke our hearts.
What an awful thing for a parent to go through. I can't even imagine. It's hard enough for the rest of the family, but to lose your child is just not the natural order of things.
I don't even have words tto make you feel better. Just know that I understand and I care.
(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
Thank You Donna....I do know that you understand. And it means a lot to me that you would come here and give me your support. Your friendship means a lot to me. Thank You for being there for me, and you know I will always be there for you....
Hugs and Hugs and Hugs....
~Barb~
Losing a loved one unexpectedly and especially if they were full of life well you just can't prepare for that, I did have two younger twin cousins and they looked just like my sister. Everyone called them the triplets. Five years ago one of my twin cousins past away. Life has been sad without her but she is free and without pain. I will see her again some day in the Heavens above, We miss her so much here on earth but we must wait patiently because with all my heart I feel that her soul is living on.
Good night ladies. Sleep well and say prayers for Donna and her dad.
Nightey night!
Thank you for your continued prayers, Dreama.
Barb: I hope today is easier for you.
We all have one wonderful thing to be thankful for today. It's GOODBYE Bush and HELLO OBAMA! I'm so excited!
Post a Comment